Bipolar pt. II - On manic episodes

Sometimes, I miss my mania more than I want my sanity
I miss feeling invincible, the amazing indestructible girl, the brave person most people believe I am
I miss feeling like a strong person who is still alive
I miss the numbness in being a predator, a chaser of pleasure
Sometimes, I miss my mania more than I want to recover
I miss my mornings without pills and my life without the rope I need to walk
I wonder if I should just throw the meds away
I miss walking the rope instead of thinking if I should tie a noose around my neck
Sometimes, I miss my mania and its euphoria because on my most manic moments, I felt like a normal happy girl

But my mania is a liar.
I am many things, but I am not a normal happy girl.