Little Miss Fortune

I am hurt

I am open wound once more

I am the wisdom that flows through my blood

I am a sick and delusional heart that aches

I am the orphan and the widow

I am the one who's been left behind on the side of the road 

I am the one who should be dead

I am the one who patiently awaits for death or for crazy

I am completely in this enormous space that can't be filled 

I am alone. 

-

I bled hours of insomnia last night

Wondering about boys who don't love me

And girls who never would

Wondering about the fleeting nature of love

The deceit of friendship

And how easy it is to simply not care

Unless it's me -- I'm so tired of caring

They might have made a fool out of me 

I might have been sweet and compassionate and ready to take it all in 

But all the sweetness made my heart so sick 

It started vomiting all its sadness and misfortune over my body

I touched my face and I couldn't feel anything

I could only hear the deafening silence of those who are not inexorably alone

The preamble of the end 

The weird sounds that came out of my lips when I tried to cry and my stubborn heart wouldn't let me

Because it's been so long since I've been sad enough to shed tears for anyone other than myself 

And I am sad. I am deeply sad. I am deeply lonely. I am inevitably alone. 

But I will not cry over the bad decisions that I didn't make 

I might be a fortress, but I no longer invite strange bodies to try and climb my walls

They only get thicker and higher 

-

My walls protect my heart from my own self sabotage 

Like an amateur magician, I did not see the trapdoor

I allowed men to cut me in halves and still let them call it a magic trick 

I chained myself to the bottom of the well betting on someone else to pull me out

Nobody ever came until my body began to float

All the cuts and bruises, I took them all willingly 

Waiting for the treasure on the other side of the rainbow 

I cut my fingers trying to unwrap, trying to unravel, trying to be home to those who can barely be a shelter from the storm

It's time to close the curtains 

Take a bow 

The show is over

Walk away before they do any more damage.