Old habits die hard (I guess)

It's been too long, hasn't it?
Do you still read me, even after my long definite silence?
I truly wanted to tell you so many tiny little things of my days
It's funny, the way I've been thinking of you
Remembering the small details
The fragile moments when I actually believed you loved me
When you held my hand to cross the rainy streets
Or waking up dressed in your shirts after one of your long trips
God, I've been meaning to ask you so many questions to which I've already got an answer
I can't really remember the reason why I tried so hard to make you love me
Why did you leave me, after all?
Why did you promise you'd stay?
Why did you make me abandon such great experience I was living in order to stay by your side,
And then, for no reason, gave up on us?
I wanted to tell you that I'm going to get married
With a guy that makes me laugh and always holds my hands, even when I'm not crossing rainy streets
That we're living together for some months now and we have a patient bed and a lovely dog
I also intend to move to the neighbourhood where you used to live,
I think you still live around there.
I wish I could go back in time and not make the mistakes I've made to compensate your absence
I wish I could regret you, but I don't
I miss your company and I wish I could remember the sound of your voice
I wish you would grow up and get something or someone that makes you happy
But then again, maybe you already did.
Maybe you're spending nice evenings eating japanese good and watching TV shows with somebody else
And I wish I could wish you both happiness
I just don't
And big part of me wishes you'd regret all the harm and the abandonment you offered me
You just don't.
Still,
You still whisper under my skin
Crawl inside my brain and lips
Violate my sleep with your calls that will never come again
And now that my future seems to be settled,
I feel like life has stolen you from me
Destroying our future that always seemed so unlikely and sure for me, at the same time
I always knew I was going to be your wife,
And I was also completely sure I wouldn't
I've craved you for three long years, but could only love you for some moments
When I was flying above our story and spotted the dreamy beginning
Where everything was absolutely possible, even the stupid idea of love
And maybe that's the only way I'll be able to remember you: from distance
For if I let you in, I'm letting myself out
As you once told me, whoever is important, remains
And so you shall,
Forever,
In my memory.