Our four years together - A not so brief unfortunate love story
I was a 20-year-old girl when I saw you for the first time
Your curly hair and dark beard couldn't hide your kind spirit
I saw you standing by the door and promptly inttroduced myself
Something very unusual for me to do.
You gave me back a shy smile and that was it. The very beginning of our beautiful and sad story.
Flashforward eight months in the future - I ask you to move in with me.
You say "yes" and bring you dog, your clothes and your fears.
By that time, our eyes and hands and hearts interwined in such a perfect way that there was no doubt - You were the love of my life.
Flashforward four months and I propose to you in the simplest way I could possibly think of. You're standing in front of a mirror, and you can't see me behind you. when you turn around, I ask you to marry me. You look at me, completely rattled, and ask if it was a prank. I laugh and you cry. You were such a softie. But also the strongest person I ever met.
We got married on June 15th, 2017. We promised each other that we would always be there. We would always find a path to each other. We were going to mae the best of the following year. And then I was a 24-year-old starting a new job now. You were 28 and trying to finish your final project for college. We had been fighting a lot and there was something very weird about our house. Things started to get broken, but not us, no. You were still my best friend, and you still called me your Queen, so I knew we were going to have such a beautiful life together. Except that your leg hurt. It hurt a bit more everyday. And I kept telling you how paranoid you were, like the time you thought someone had broke into the apartment and left our bedroom holding an umbrella to surprise the attacker. But it didn't stop hurting, so I took you to the hospital on August 15th. Fun fact; We got married on a 15th. You went to the hospital for the first time on a 15th. You left the hospital to come home on the 15th. You died on another 15th. I hate this number now.
I remember being very mad at you - I sed to get mad at you very often, but you didn't mind. I was mad because I was exhausted and really wanted to go to bed. I was exhausted because I was trying to keep both of us afloat and woke up early to go to work. I waited on the phone with my cousin while you got tested and examined and when you came out, your face looked like someone who has seen the future and did not like it. You were terrified. You told me it was very serious, but couldn't tell me what it was. The doctor did not know what was wrong with you and I just wish he would stop chewing gum while talking to us. I remember that night better than any other. I sat on a stool, one of those made out to help people get onto the doctor's bed. I watched you and I was so scared. I could not stop vomiting. I called the insurance a thousand times and finally got you removed to another hospital.
When the wave grows upon you, that is the moment of most fear. When it hits you, it hurts, but then there's just the swirling and fighting the water so we can stay alive. I fought for you like I wouldn't have fought for myself. There was finally a diagnosis: Acute myeloid leukemia. Very rare. Very deadly.
I will not go into detail about the pain you felt and the horror we've been through together. I will say that I was there every hour of every day trying to keep you from getting hurt.
You spent two months in the hospital and I would go to work and then back to the hospital. I remember the darkest nights, when your pain was just unbearable and you couldn't even talk to me. You didn't remember the things your said. You had fevers - high painful fevers that made your heart rate go insane. I remember spending a whole night watching the monitor and asking the heart rate to go down. I remember when you got the shivers and shakes and I would lay over you to keep you from trembling. I remember that even on those days, you would run your fingers through my hair and say "It will be okay". You started to get better. I started to stop yelling at the hospital staff. We could talk again, even when you were very weak. I fed you, bathe you and sang for you everyday And everyday, despite the fact you were dying, we loved each other with everything we had - shut up, I know we didn't have much. But we did have each other. You were my best friend and greatest companion: When I got scared, you would remind me of my courage. When I felt little, you'd say how proud you were of me. When I felt that all the love had left the world, I would walk into the room and you would smile and say how happy you were because I was there and I swear, I swear it was like your smile and your eyes were pure light. We had sex in the hospital's bathroom. We laughed about the maids who brought in the food you were allergic to every night. I learned how to operate machines and how to change IV bags. When people visited you with pityful eyes, we would make fun of them together. When you had an infection and could no longer control your bathroom breaks, I would change your diapers. And I know, I know it all sounds awful, but I swear, I swear it wasn't all bad. When your hair fell off, I bought you hats and we took thousands of pictures. When you were literally full of shit, I would call you "Pampers" and you would laugh every single time. You made fun of my PJs and how the whole hospital already knew me because of them. You still called me your Queen, but our castle seemed made out of sand this time, and I couldn't cry during this war, because I was not just your Queen, I was your most loyal lieutenant - so I could never et the castle crumble. We celebrated the remission of your cancer like it was your cure - and you came home. And then back to the hospital. And home again. You loved every single stupid detail. You cried and hugged me and our first night together after everything felt like paradise.
And then, that night came. You asked me to dance with you one last time that week and I said "No" because I was too tired. Boy, do I regret that now. You couldn't feel your leg in the middle of the night and woke me up, so I held it up with my own and spent minutes just carressing your face. You knew how much I loved you when you died in my arms.
Pampers, you left me stuck between the rock and the hard place here. So you can imagine that when they took you that night and you were still breathing, I tried to sleep and hoped that when I woke up, you'd be ready to come home again. But you stopped breathing and left. I walked in that place of death and it was like I was made of air. I could not feel my hands. I felt nothing coming in or out of my lungs. When I saw your body, I couldn't believe it, so I started to crumble and my friends held me strong around my hopeless elbows. My mouth couldn't scream next to your silence. My heart stopped beating just to match yours. I kissed your cold lips and I felt nothing. I held you close and told you that I loved you. I knew that the only person that has ever really known me was gone forever and, God, do I miss my best friend.
I still carry the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm very proud of us. And when I lay down at night, on the house that I've built for you, it is nothing but a house - it is not a home - so I never turn on the fairy lights that you loved so much again. You were my home and my favorite person in the Universe, so now I'm homeless and fairyless.
Listen carefully and you can still listen to 20-year-old me saying that I loved you for the first time. Look closer and you'll see 22-year-old me making you pancakes and dancing in the kitchen as you realized you loved me back. Hold our picture that was buried with you and you will feel the warmth of the tears of pure joy that rolled down our cheeks on our wedding day. You will know the love, and the loss, and the gratitude and the sorrow of loving and losing someone who is just right for you, but not alive anymore. And I swear that even in death you can hear the fading yet strong sound of a "I will always love you".
Goodbye, love.
Your curly hair and dark beard couldn't hide your kind spirit
I saw you standing by the door and promptly inttroduced myself
Something very unusual for me to do.
You gave me back a shy smile and that was it. The very beginning of our beautiful and sad story.
Flashforward eight months in the future - I ask you to move in with me.
You say "yes" and bring you dog, your clothes and your fears.
By that time, our eyes and hands and hearts interwined in such a perfect way that there was no doubt - You were the love of my life.
Flashforward four months and I propose to you in the simplest way I could possibly think of. You're standing in front of a mirror, and you can't see me behind you. when you turn around, I ask you to marry me. You look at me, completely rattled, and ask if it was a prank. I laugh and you cry. You were such a softie. But also the strongest person I ever met.
We got married on June 15th, 2017. We promised each other that we would always be there. We would always find a path to each other. We were going to mae the best of the following year. And then I was a 24-year-old starting a new job now. You were 28 and trying to finish your final project for college. We had been fighting a lot and there was something very weird about our house. Things started to get broken, but not us, no. You were still my best friend, and you still called me your Queen, so I knew we were going to have such a beautiful life together. Except that your leg hurt. It hurt a bit more everyday. And I kept telling you how paranoid you were, like the time you thought someone had broke into the apartment and left our bedroom holding an umbrella to surprise the attacker. But it didn't stop hurting, so I took you to the hospital on August 15th. Fun fact; We got married on a 15th. You went to the hospital for the first time on a 15th. You left the hospital to come home on the 15th. You died on another 15th. I hate this number now.
I remember being very mad at you - I sed to get mad at you very often, but you didn't mind. I was mad because I was exhausted and really wanted to go to bed. I was exhausted because I was trying to keep both of us afloat and woke up early to go to work. I waited on the phone with my cousin while you got tested and examined and when you came out, your face looked like someone who has seen the future and did not like it. You were terrified. You told me it was very serious, but couldn't tell me what it was. The doctor did not know what was wrong with you and I just wish he would stop chewing gum while talking to us. I remember that night better than any other. I sat on a stool, one of those made out to help people get onto the doctor's bed. I watched you and I was so scared. I could not stop vomiting. I called the insurance a thousand times and finally got you removed to another hospital.
When the wave grows upon you, that is the moment of most fear. When it hits you, it hurts, but then there's just the swirling and fighting the water so we can stay alive. I fought for you like I wouldn't have fought for myself. There was finally a diagnosis: Acute myeloid leukemia. Very rare. Very deadly.
I will not go into detail about the pain you felt and the horror we've been through together. I will say that I was there every hour of every day trying to keep you from getting hurt.
You spent two months in the hospital and I would go to work and then back to the hospital. I remember the darkest nights, when your pain was just unbearable and you couldn't even talk to me. You didn't remember the things your said. You had fevers - high painful fevers that made your heart rate go insane. I remember spending a whole night watching the monitor and asking the heart rate to go down. I remember when you got the shivers and shakes and I would lay over you to keep you from trembling. I remember that even on those days, you would run your fingers through my hair and say "It will be okay". You started to get better. I started to stop yelling at the hospital staff. We could talk again, even when you were very weak. I fed you, bathe you and sang for you everyday And everyday, despite the fact you were dying, we loved each other with everything we had - shut up, I know we didn't have much. But we did have each other. You were my best friend and greatest companion: When I got scared, you would remind me of my courage. When I felt little, you'd say how proud you were of me. When I felt that all the love had left the world, I would walk into the room and you would smile and say how happy you were because I was there and I swear, I swear it was like your smile and your eyes were pure light. We had sex in the hospital's bathroom. We laughed about the maids who brought in the food you were allergic to every night. I learned how to operate machines and how to change IV bags. When people visited you with pityful eyes, we would make fun of them together. When you had an infection and could no longer control your bathroom breaks, I would change your diapers. And I know, I know it all sounds awful, but I swear, I swear it wasn't all bad. When your hair fell off, I bought you hats and we took thousands of pictures. When you were literally full of shit, I would call you "Pampers" and you would laugh every single time. You made fun of my PJs and how the whole hospital already knew me because of them. You still called me your Queen, but our castle seemed made out of sand this time, and I couldn't cry during this war, because I was not just your Queen, I was your most loyal lieutenant - so I could never et the castle crumble. We celebrated the remission of your cancer like it was your cure - and you came home. And then back to the hospital. And home again. You loved every single stupid detail. You cried and hugged me and our first night together after everything felt like paradise.
And then, that night came. You asked me to dance with you one last time that week and I said "No" because I was too tired. Boy, do I regret that now. You couldn't feel your leg in the middle of the night and woke me up, so I held it up with my own and spent minutes just carressing your face. You knew how much I loved you when you died in my arms.
Pampers, you left me stuck between the rock and the hard place here. So you can imagine that when they took you that night and you were still breathing, I tried to sleep and hoped that when I woke up, you'd be ready to come home again. But you stopped breathing and left. I walked in that place of death and it was like I was made of air. I could not feel my hands. I felt nothing coming in or out of my lungs. When I saw your body, I couldn't believe it, so I started to crumble and my friends held me strong around my hopeless elbows. My mouth couldn't scream next to your silence. My heart stopped beating just to match yours. I kissed your cold lips and I felt nothing. I held you close and told you that I loved you. I knew that the only person that has ever really known me was gone forever and, God, do I miss my best friend.
I still carry the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm very proud of us. And when I lay down at night, on the house that I've built for you, it is nothing but a house - it is not a home - so I never turn on the fairy lights that you loved so much again. You were my home and my favorite person in the Universe, so now I'm homeless and fairyless.
Listen carefully and you can still listen to 20-year-old me saying that I loved you for the first time. Look closer and you'll see 22-year-old me making you pancakes and dancing in the kitchen as you realized you loved me back. Hold our picture that was buried with you and you will feel the warmth of the tears of pure joy that rolled down our cheeks on our wedding day. You will know the love, and the loss, and the gratitude and the sorrow of loving and losing someone who is just right for you, but not alive anymore. And I swear that even in death you can hear the fading yet strong sound of a "I will always love you".
Goodbye, love.
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