Five minutes inside my head

 I feel nervous in a way that can't be named & my heart is sinking to my stomach & my stomach is trying to leave my body & I am sad & I am unemployed & I feel rejected because I do not hate a job & I feel like a failure & and I can't breathe because I have to hold myself together & and I have hold myself because no one will hold me & no one is in love with me & that makes me feel inadequate & disgusting & I feel like my name has become nothing but a sad word & I remember that once my name was my battle cry & I am ashamed because I can't battle anymore & damn I'm tired & getting high doesn't help & I am alone & there is nobody here to take care of me & the love of my life died & I am grieving because he would take care of me & I am suicidal again & I want to die but I don't want to kill myself & I am so weak for fearing the pain of seconds compared to the other pain & the other pain stains people's faces with bloody palms & I still don't understand why everyone is so quiet in face of despair & I am desperately trying to find a reason & I am desperate & I am alone & I am not who I thought I would be & no one sees me & no one says anything & no one does anything because they can't hear the screaming & I am howling already & everyday I wake up to the same ominous door & I hate that I have to live through this & I hate myself for putting mom and grandma through this disappointment & i just wish i could go to bed & I wish I could cry instead of smoke & even though I am full of agony I can't fucking cry & I know they feel like they won & they might as well have because I should be quiet & they want people with pretty faces but no voice & I don't know how to shut up & maybe I never will & I never know when to stop because no one is even listening & I am too tired now & this is the end of it