Lucky 15

 Once again it's the 15th

August 15th

I'm on the road again, and yesterday was Father's Day

And I have been travelling for well over fifteen hours

Haunted by a number.

First, it was a picture

My grandfather on my 15th birthday

His eyes still alive and home for tears he'd never shed

He was there, firm hand on my waist, eyes glistening

So much emotion, so much time

My one true father, the man that passed on his naivety and his generosity to me

My grandpa, who taught me how to love Elvis and how to laugh loudly

Blood of my blood, wearing a buttoned shirt, the very same he would wear on that last night

That night when he went to the hospital

When I helped him with the buttons instead of saying "I love you"
When I felt deep down that I should've said something

Because he was not going to come back.

When you are 15, you are endless

Because you haven't realized yet that people are not

(He was gone a year later)

Then, there was the date itself

I can't say if it came first, second, or last in my mind

How can you classify or prioritize something that is constantly hovering over your head?

August 15th was the day that changed my life forever

Because it was the day the love of my life started dying

And three months later, on lucky 15

He was gone too

Four years ago, my life decided to disappear

Went out to buy cigarettes and never came back

The pull of the rug was so strong that I didn't just fall

Everything simply became air that I couldn't breath

I spun around without ever actually hitting the ground

Or I hit the ground so hard that it took me years to make my head stop spinning

I am well aware this isn't my greatest piece of writing

As I sit in this lonely hotel room waiting for the next day to be better

A day that will not be a lucky 15

I think of the one 15th that was indeed lucky

And happy

And ours

On the lucky 15th, I usually wake up in a cold sweat

Body shot out of bed

I see the number

I remember

I cry

Because lucky 15 isn't a name I came up with out of irony

I am so goddamn lucky to have loved those people

I just can't wrap my head around the fact that we will never share

Another

Lucky 15 together.