50/50

Mom used to tell me everything was 50/50
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst
Every butterfly would choke on the poisonous vape of my anxiety
Every candle blew on birthday would be lit again in my wake
Every step up made up to a harder fall

I grew up imagining other realities
the ones in which I was happy, fortunate, healthy
I drank hope like inebriating wine every day
And every night I waited for the bad thoughts to go to bed
I fed them, bathed them and sang them a song

I waited for that special moment in which it would all make sense
I thought by now the moment would be here
But this moment doesn't even have fireworks
It doesn't have butterflies or glittering snow
This moment sleeps on the couch with the remote in its hand

So it was no surprise when life decided he would die
Fading in my arms, becoming just the body I once loved
The shriek in my throat rose like fire from a dragon's mouth
It burned my trembling lips and turned my home into wreckage
and they never kissed the same, and there was no place for me in the world

So it was no surprise to fall in love while setting for the heartbreak
As time went through us like we were an hourglass
I welcomed the violent daggers with an open heart
As he told me he was just not good at being around
and my tears were just too furious for me not to run away

Mom always told me life was 50/50
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst
So I reckon it's time to set the butterflies free
Wake up and run towards the window
Let the fireworks begin

I make my own odds.