When the Christmas lights are gone - An open apology to myself

 I am sorry, self

I am sorry for trying to convince us that we were not going through any sort of problem

I'm sorry for shushing you every time you whispered "you deserve better"

I'm sorry for ignoring every plea and deeming you unfit and needy and simply a burden

I'm sorry, self

I'm sorry for allowing a liar into our life

I'm sorry for lying still in our bed while he removed every piece of ours and complained that our place was shitty

I'm sorry, self, for not being loyal to you

I'm sorry for letting him hurt you, silence you, make you feel small 

I'm sorry, self, for accepting less than both of us deserved 

I'm sorry for enduring the fights and the cheating 

I'm sorry for holding on to hope 

I promise, self, I choose us now 

We might be wounded

We might be alone 

But we will be left standing.

-

To the man who has made my life miserable

I take that power away from you 

To the man that disrespected my grief

I will remember every moment of what you put me through 

The other women

The other life

The bruises in my arm 

The words used to describe me

Bitter, unpleasant, idiot, annoying, selfish 

I'll remember I was liked better when I was an addict

I'll remember being used 

I'll remember being told how unattractive I was

I'll remember every scream

Every punch on the wall

Every "be quiet" and every "I don't want to hear you now"

I will remember every smile and smirk during my anxiety attacks 

I will remember every single day that I was convinced to be paranoid and crazy and worthless

Everytime my heart gets sick thinking it misses this poor excuse for a man

I will remember 

I will remember that it was all bad. 

I will remember that it was all shameful. 

I will remember that it was all disloyal.

I will remember it was all real. 

And I vow to never let that happen again. 

To the man who tried to dim my light, silence my voice, and gut my feelings 

I offer death. 

I will think of him as dead, and I consider that to be mercy.