Just another Thursday

You went to a brothel on a Thursday night
No messages, no warning
Then your texts, spilling words like a letter soup
You keep saying you wanted to prove yourself to me
And then there was a call.
Just a call
There was a call.

-

I answered worried
I can smell the alcohol in your breath
Even continents away
You do not answer back.
There are many voices, men and women talking
Their language a foreign puzzle
I kept trying to solve it
Then there was a giggle.
It was so close to the phone that it still echoes
In the sinkhole that opened in my stomach
Now I have fire in my belly

-
What was so funny?
Why are you giggling together?
And you keep saying you went there for me
As a sign of strength for me
As a proof of your faithfulness and love for me
And amongst all of the things you think you did out of love, the only one you didn't try was asking me what I thought.
There's no answer for a question that has never been asked.

-

I'm staring at my wet hair
Short and shaggy, straight out of the shower
All of my tattoos and scars and stretch marks
I thought they connected us
I thought that my lines started where yours ended
And we formed this beautiful map
Of a way back to each other.
But I was wrong.
Tonight, my lines and marks remained unseen
And in a house of red lights and women that pretend to be toys
You looked at a woman
And compared her to me.
That's how you measured your love.

-

I am trying very hard to close my eyes and not imagine what the giggling voice looks like
She sounded sweet and flirty
Casual and fun
I wonder if she's thinner than me. I wonder if she has more attractive lips. Maybe she has ocean eyes. Maybe her smell and her curves, the ones that you eagerly examine, lead to a dead end
But which kind of end will this be?

-

You went to a place of consumption.
It makes sense. We are but a byproduct of our desires matched with our possibilities.
You insist that you went there just to prove yourself. Just like an alcoholic would go to a bar to prove that is sober. Just like a person stands on the edge of the abyss, just to prove they won't fall. Just like an addict, you found a reason to resort to your drugs: to prove that you love me, you made sure to show me how expendable every women you've seen is.
Just like an addict, you denied it was a relapse. You said you were showing strength while devouring bodies with eyes that had teeth and hunger, but no tear to be spent on my account.
I wonder how much of her body you had to consume in order to prove to yourself that you want to be with me.
Or that you don't.