A gentle letter to my mom

 Mom,

It's been nealy six months now 

Since you said it out loud

You heard me crying about my loss

That immense and unforgivable loss

And you said "I've fucked up"

You said "I was a terrible mother"

Which would've been true, with one

Exception

One simple exception

I am still alive 

Mommy, I wish I'd been better

A better daughter, a better wife

A better body to keep that baby alive

And I know you blame yourself 

Still what you have yet to understand

Is that you're still here and you're you

You're my mom and you've been so

So different

Mommy, I do not expect you to accept

Anymore 

My suicidal thoughts and ideations 

I just want you to know that I'm so 

Fucking thoroughly and absolutely

Grateful

For your teachings of generosity

For your example of self-improvement

For you as whoever you are

I'm so grateful and yet so hurt

That you chose me out of other seven

To be your daughter

I'm speechless starring at this crash course on how to be a person

On how to be responsible and kind 

To others and myself 

It took nearly three decades for you

To learn how to be my mother

And it still pains me every day

That I'm still not the child you've wished for

I'm not happy and I'm not right, mommy 

I might be broken for life

And even then 

Even in all of my misery and my sorrow 

I could never forget how you've danced with me 

When I was six and unaware of the world's teeth 

I'll never forget how you've inspired my love for dancing 

I'll never forget how you taught me how to love unconditionally

I'll never forget how you taught me how to love beastly 

Like an animal, like a lioness ready to defend its pride 

Its litter, its progeny 

You have chosen the weakest and most vulnerable of your cubs

And you've made it absolutely vulnerable

Yet absolutely unbreakable

If not in the mind, in the body

You have made sure I'd be safe from the dangers that once preyed on you 

My body is of your making more than once 

And you've made me invulnerable and yet sensitive 

You've made me for everything that I am

And for every single thing I'm not 

And you've loved me all the way 

So I wish I'd been better

I wish you the love I had from the one

You once called "my son"

I wish you a fairytale ending

A happy and fierce cub for the lioness you are, with your brand new teeth

I wish you the dreams you never got to turn into reality 

I wish you a braver daughter

Mommy, I might be broken in half

But I still know how to fix things, just like you taught me to 

I'll fix this

I'll make you proud 

I'll be worthy of your love, even if it's the last and only thing I get right in this life. 

I love you mommy. Thank you for being here for my darkest hours.