On Mom

 My mother is an absolute rock
So when I text her to let her know
To make her aware that I'm slipping through 
the cracks again, slipping fast
When I tell her I want to be gone
She becomes feral
She simply will not accept my resignation

Mom chose me out of so many souls
Six others to be exact
"Mommy, why me?" I ask
In the absolute rawness of my pain
In the complete poverty of me
And she says I'm her North
She says I'm the love of her life
And I know deep down I do not deserve
This kind of love

I tell my mom about assisted suicide
How I've been researching
If my depression gets bad enough, it wouldn't be a sin
No, it would be mercy
"Mom, it's not evil, it's mercy"
Mom does not accept that and she tells me to stop
So I immediately do
"Mommy, I want to die""
And she says "stop crying"
So I do

My mom loves me so hard
She meets my sadness with fight
She is just so hard and strong in face of
Well, everything, especially life
Especially pain
Mom controls everything as she holds  back tears
How could her miracle child not want to live anymore?
So when I say "Mom, please, let me die"
She tells me - she doesn't ask, she doesn't plead
She tells me I will not kill myself
I say "Yes, mommy"

Amidst tears, I am compelled, by love or guilt, to live yet another day. 
The nightmare won't end, there is no going back, as Mom also said.

I will live and I will feel all the loneliness and all the grief.
I will live and I will know deep down I don't want to be here.
I will live and I will suffer and I will stop crying.
I will live and I will ache and I will just stop.
Just like mommy told me to.