Oh the dark places you'll go - pt I

 

First act - a bad joke

Two men sit next to me 

White and European, they avoid my gaze

No one is really facing me 

They just tell me to leave and give me a taxi voucher and ten minutes

Ten minutes to say goodbye 

Ten minutes to get the hell out

Ten minutes to get rid of the Latina 

Second act - the weeping flowers

Little sis looks at me worries when I walk in 

My beautiful flowers expected me for one more laugh

One more advice 

One more cup of coffee

I am determined not to cry,

But they can't, their hearts are too big

Too strong, too good to accept that sometimes

Many times in this world 

Things are not fair

I watered our love for as long as I could

I could swear it was raining inside that office

But it was a storm of tears and goodbyes 

I let them see a glimpse of my despair and they hold me close

Like a garden of wilted lilies, we stay there, intertwined by roots that were formed too fast

And my heart skips a beat in fear 

I cry with them and ask the universe not to rip off their roots

I wish I could stay and pour smiles of sunshine over our garden 

But they tore my roots apart and there was a taxi waiting 

Third act - mother knows best 

My mother is loud 

When she sees me crying, she gives speeches

Long speeches about the sharp edge of the world

And the masks we must all wear 

I tell my mother that I do not want a mask

She says I need the mask to protect my heart

I beg her to understand that I am who I am

And I love as hard as I can.

Mother is disappointed 

Grandma is sad

Our foreheads touch and I feel her tears for my pain

I beg them not to cry

I beg them not to give up

It is not fair that their tears try to water my wilted flower heart 

Flowers are beautiful, and people love to pick them out 

But they can't survive out of the ground.

Fourth act - Honey, I'm home 

As the final act, as if the adventure hadn't been enough already

As if the last four years hadn't been enough already 

I feel the ringing in my ear

Try my best to ignore it 

But it gets sweeter and more seductive 

That cold breath close to my ears 

The dark place asks me to come and play again 

"Come, there is no pain here", it whispers

"Come, no one can ever tell you to leave here".

It grabs me and makes me a cage out of its shadowy arms

I let go into the embrace like it was a long hug

Like the announcement of an old friend who came back 

I force my key into the lock

Every day starts with a door and a choice 

But I am no longer accountable for choices 

My eyes are too heavy and I only see white through all the tears

And the fear and the pain and the despair and the rejection and the hurt and the blood

I turn the key and open the door and I am ready 

I am ready to sink into oblivion and make a blanket out of dark thoughts and sleeping pills

I open the door and there she is 

Sitting on my couch, holding a bottle of rum 

Legs crossed, smile like a crimson wound made out of mania

Three packs of cigarettes and no concerns

Crazy came back and this time she did not even knock

She already had the keys 

She was ready for me 

Crazy smiles at me with wine stained teeth

Eyes all black, hands reaching out 

She says "Honey, I am home"

The thing is

I am the home.