Iron girl pt. II - whatever remains

 I thought I would try

Try to give this world a chance to surprise me

There is a difference between pranks and surprises 

And I was still just trying

Just trying to allow him to see me

Just trying to go to work

Just trying to make friends

Just trying to look at the mirror without flinching

Just trying to lead a normal life in which I'm not sad

In which I'm not the one who's left with nothing

Just trying not to lose

Just trying to follow the instructions, just trying to take the pills, just trying to get to therapy on time

They told me to try and show my human skin

And my human skin is so human

It bleeds so easily 

They told me to look. They told me to open my eyes. They told me to open my heart. They told me it was safe.

Yet, life being a bad joke, a cruel prank, made sure that I saw the horrors before I could even see colour

My childhood cat wrapped in old rags, cold and dead, my beautiful best friend on my lap

His eyes open, his mouth agape, surprised by my warm childish tears

The picture that I sent to a man that I thought that could love me

The prescription of the sleeping pills that I thought I would no longer need

My own face, bruised and cut 

The TC results and the round white stain

My mother's fear creeping down my hands to the tip of my toes 

People dying alone. People dying all the time. Without even remembering what a smile looks like. 

-

Pain looks at me with a crooked smile and a scowl

"I knew you would be back here", it says, already organizing the screws and metal pieces 

They clang and chime whispering the old proposal of protection

Pain looks at my bruised skin, tired eyes, and hands me the screwdriver 

"Don't make a mess", it says, before leaving me alone 

And like a slave with a chained leg, I don't think twice before cutting 

Oh, I know I'm a hypocrite. I know that I said that only dead people don't feel. 

But enough is enough, I think 

I repeat it like a mantra, placing a new armour in place, covering every scar, hiding every tear, lying cold above my skin.

Iron girl, walking with heavy steps 

Iron girl, brushing aside a 1-week story 

Iron girl, unfazed in face of death

Iron girl, making peace with loneliness 

I am intangible now.

I am impenetrable again.

Iron girls never have to lose. Iron girls never bleed.

Iron girls stay and stand by whatever remained behind.